GODSTEM

Growing up I always felt left out and alone. Remember in school when you would be picking teams for a sport. Each team captain would take turns saying the name of the kid they wanted on their team. You hoped someone would say your name so you weren't the last one left. If you were the last one you felt like a loser. Like you weren't good enough....you didn't fit in...nobody even knew you existed. That was me the majority of my life. One day I was driving to work after I found out my husband had cheated on me. I was so sad and felt like nobody cared.....nobody loved me. I felt like that little kid who got picked last. My heart felt so broken....I could hardly breathe. I really just wanted to take my car and crash into a pole or something because I just hurt so bad. I didn't want to feel the pain anymore. I didn't want to deal with the feelings of loneliness and rejection. I would rather just die. Then I heard God say to me "You're on my team....I have chosen you". What I came to realize was that before I was ever in my mothers womb according to God's word.....He knew me....He loved me....He ordained me. I didn't need anyone to accept me or love me. I had God's approval. "If God be for me then who could be against me". That was such a comforting and healing feeling. I personalized my car plates with "GODSTEM" on it. Not because I believe in Good vs Bad but because I was chosen by GOD. I am on His team.

I later also realized what else those plates read "GOD STEM". I am a stem of God. I am a part of Him. He is the tree and we are the branches. It doesn't matter where you go in life or what you do. You are always a part of Him. We are always attached to Him. He promised us that He would never leave us nor forsake us. So although my daddy and my husband left me.....God will never leave me. I don't have to feel alone. I don't have to feel rejected because I always have MY FATHER and MY HUSBAND around. His name is God.

Rehabilitation

So lately I have been dealing with my grandmother's illness. She was diagnosed several years ago with Alzheimer's. My grandma who I have called Nana my whole life was like my mother. She helped raise me because my mom was a young teen mother and my dad was never around. I have a very special place in my heart for her and though I have peace with what she is going through right now I wish my little girl could have known her like I did. So anyways, My reason for this blog today is to share with you what God revealed to me the other day when I was visiting her at her new assisted living home. It is crazy how God speaks to me about situations that so many look at naturally. He reveals His spirit through them because really that is what this illusion is all about....spirit. My grandmas situation occured to show me something about myself and about life. So this is how the story goes. Well my grandma has just recently been placed in an assisted living home because her husband could not longer take care of her. Her husband has tried to keep her family away from her. He is a very controling and unstable man. The last time I spent time with her was about a month ago. I had picked her up from her house when her caretaker was watching her. Her husband was at work that is the only time we can see her. Pretty sad but that is how it has been. So I took her to my house and made dinner. She was perfectly fine. The average person would not be able to see there was anything wrong with her until she starts talking because she doesn't make scense. We ate dinner and she did fine. She fed herself and was upbeat and happy. Then we went to visit my mom so she could see her. I took her home around 8pm. The reason I am telling you all this in detail is so that you can see the difference from her state now. So currently she is in a wheelchair unable to walk because she was placed in a hospital prior to her assisted living home for 4 days. She was bound to her bed and unable to get up on her own for fear that she would leave or try to hurt herself or others. Due to her apparent "attack" on her husband. A week ago she was unable to feed herself or even speak. She was heavily medicated in the hospital and pretty out of it when I first saw her. As of this saturday I saw her and she is doing better with feeding herself. I try to encourage her to feed herself when I am there during her dinner. The reason she lost all of her normal function is because of muscle memory. Because she was not allowed to do anything for herself she lost memory of it that fast. So it really got me to thinking about myself. To be honest with you everyone else as well.

This is what God showed me about myself. Like I have said in my other blogs we are all spiritual beings and many of us are still unconscious and unaware of what we truly are. We are unaware of the power that we have within us. We are unaware of the authority God has given us. Because we are unaware of this power we don't even use it. We walk around feeling defeated and victimized. We feel afraid to pursue our dreams and visions because we don't feel adequate enough. You know that vision you have for you and your family? God has an even greater one and He has already equipped you to obtain it. We have to awaken that memory....we have to renew our minds to walk according to the ordinances of God. We can't walk around here feeling defeated and disgusted. We must remember that we have been called....set apart for a greater plan. It is hard to snap out of our pitty parties sometimes because we are so accustomed to playing the "whoa is me" role. Let's stop talking about what we have been through. Let's stop thinking about the failures and the disappointments. Let's awaken to the truth. Everything you thought was failure was really a set up. How could we search for the light if we were never in darkness. The bible says that what the enemy meant for bad God will turn around for your God to save much people alive. It is not about your failure. It is about showing others that even though you fell down you still got back up. You stepped over your fears and pursued your dreams. Don't forget who you are. Don't lay dormant and lose your power. You have been called to walk this earth with authority. God has designed you to weather the storm and come out on the other side of your pain.

So on Friday the physical therapist came to visit my grandma to help her regain her walking. Although it was a little challenge she did wonderful with our assistance and the assistance of a walker. She also massaged her legs and did some exercises with her legs while she laid on the bed. She mentioned how when she was rotating her hips she could tell my grandma was guarding herself. Like she was afraid to feel the pain so she wouldn't let go and allow the full rotation. The therapist said she must of been hurt and is afraid to trust me. How many of us feel that way? How many of us have been hurt in a relationship and are afraid to love again. How many of us are afraid to trust God because of what another person did to us. I know that was me. My dad never kept his promises and so subconsciously I didn't trust anyone else. That even carried on into my marriage. I set myself up for that disappointment because I guarded myself from feeling the pain. I didn't know that I was still wounded from when I was a little girl. I didn't know that I was causing my own pain because I wouldn't open up my heart and let myself feel love. I expected to be hurt and rejected. Remember our issues of life flow from our hearts and as a man thinketh in his heart so is he. So we have to learn to trust again. Like my grandma eventually did. We have to learn to allow the full rotation.....the process of healing and rehabilation to take place. We can stand up and walk again by faith. Don't forget who you are. You were created by faith. God spoke you and mold you into existance out of nothing.

Breaking the Mold

It's tough sometimes to set ourselves apart from the world and walk according to the word of God. To walk in the truth of your Being and manifest the power of God when all HELL is breaking loose in your life. Ooops yes I said the word. Let's keep it really that is what it feels like at times. I know I have been there and sometimes still battle the feelings of depression, fear, anxiety and insignificance. Although I know I have been called deep down in my spirit...my mind...my flesh...my ego....my human nature tries to conform me. It tries to force me into compliance with the world. It tries to remind me of my past....the rejection...the adultery...the abuse and the "failures". What I have come to realize through my relationship with God is that my story is not my own. I am not a victim and I have all power. God has invested His spirit in me and I have the authority to defy the world systems. I don't have to live according to my past. I don't have to feel depressed and insignificant because I don't have natural possesion. I don't have to be miserable because my husband left me. I don't have to live in poverity because I don't have a college degree or money to invest. I can be ALL that God has called me to be because everything I need to fulfill my destiny is already within me. I don't have to conform...I don't have to remain in this mold. I can break the barriers and live a prosperous and abundant life full of love, peace, joy and natural possesion because Jesus paid the price. When He died on the cross and rose again on the third day He broke through the barriers. The world tries to tell us that we can't because of the economy, our education, our past or our social status. BUT God says that ALL things are possible with Him. All things are possible when we walk in the truth of who we are in the spirit. Many of us walk this earth unaware and unconscious of our true identity. We fight to survive, fit in and be accepted in a world that we are not from. We are spiritual beings but we find significance in natural things that have no substance. So what if you are not a millionaire...fit in a size 4 jeans or drive a Mercedes. Your true substance is what is eternal. The bible says to guard your heart for out of it flow the issues of life. It also says that as a man thinketh in his heart so is he. If your heart is full or despair, pain, sadness, anger or any unfruitful thought then that will reflect outwardly in your life. So in order to have joy and peace we must seek the face of God and ask Him to search our hearts that we may deal with those issues that plague our lives. That we may deal with the private thoughts we are to afraid or ashamed to share with anyone else. God knows those thoughts and His desire is to heal you of them. How do we heal? We become conscious. We awaken out of this dream and step into the truth. We learn and embrace our true identity in Him. We step out of the illusion that we are of this world and that we are bound by it's systems. You see in God we are unlimited and nothing is impossible. We have all been designed and equipped to fulfill a destiny greater then our largest expectiation. But I would be lying to you if I told you that it was easy. It can be but we seem to always resist change. It is scary to step out of what we have been accustomed to living for 31+ years of our lives. Even though we say we hate going through pain and heartache we subconsciously have been programmed to believe that is normal. We crave drama at times because it makes us feel significant...like we have a voice or our own mind. We fight to maintain an identity that truly is not who we really are. The greatest growth comes when we ask the question "Who Am I?". Don't look for an answer like: I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a wife or I am a real estate investor. Who you are can not be defined with words. The answer won't be something that you can hear with your natural ears. It will be a peace that is felt in your soul......a freedom in your spirit....a love in your heart. You will feel like you are home. Who you are is not limited to syllables. Who you are can not be attached to an object or title. Who you are is..........
It is time you go on the journey now.

My Life's Mission

I started this blog because it is my life's mission to help inspire, encourage, enrich and uplift the lives of women all over the world. I created this blog to share my story. Although there are many who have endured greater hardships I have chosen to use mine to help others. I have learned that what I have gone through is not just my story. It is not about me recieving any glory but it is to uplift the spirits of others and bring Glory to God. Through my pain and weakness I have learned that God is my strength. Through my chaos and confusion He has been my peace. Through the sadness and depression He has been my joy. God has been all that I need and more. Why? I am His daughter. I am Papi's Girl. He loves me and He loves you. We were all created from Him and He dwells in each of us. We have all been called to pursue Him to live an abudant life that He died to give us but many don't answer the call. Many of us remain unconscious and unaware of the magnificience that is God......the wonder of this Being that God has created us to be. We are a reflection of a loving Father that desires us all to be awaken to Truth so that we can walk in His power every day of our lives. What an honour it is to be called a Daughter of God. I will always and forever be Papi's Girl (Daddy's Girl).