My Heart

How many of us carry around baggage from our past? Whether it be from our childhood or a failed marriage. Maybe a business we had to close or a home we lost. We build up walls and dig trenches around our hearts so that no one or nothing can hurt us again. Some of us build hard exteriors and act like we don't care what anyone thinks about us. Some put on a happy face so that no one can see their pain and sorrow. We walk around with masks pretending like we are okay. BUT.....No one knows the private intimate thoughts we have going on in our heads. No one can see the cracks and bruises on our hearts. We say we are okay and we have moved on with our lives but like a flood the emotions come rushing in again.

For many years I have struggled with the broken relationships I have had with my parents and my husband. Although my mom and I are close now there was a time when that wasn't so. I had to open up my heart and let her know the pain and anger I had towards her. Today I had to do the same with my father. I don't hate either one of them. I forgive them for what they did or didn't do. I love them with all my heart but I needed to still heal. You can still love with a broken heart.

For many years I blamed them for the way my life played out. I had resentment and anger towards them. I later realized that all I had gone through was ordained by God. I couldn't continue to go around acting like a victim. Yes, I endured pain and disappointments but they drove me closer to God. God says that His strength is made perfect in weakness. So when I felt most vulnerable and alone God was perfecting His love in me. When I felt angry God was perfecting His peace. When I felt sad He was perfecting His joy. What the enemy meant for bad God turned it around for my good. What is good for me may not always feel good. There are times when we don't want to face the pain. There are times when we would rather eat or drink our emotions away. God has a way of stripping us until we are naked, vulernable and willing to surrender.

You see through all of the pain I endured in my life I have come to know God more intimately. I have learned about myself. God and I are one so how can I do one without the other. God's thoughts for us are not evil. He wishes to prosper us and heal us. He desires to use us for His glory. He designed us to endure hardships and come out on the other side victorious.

The key to healing our hearts is to fully surrender them to God. We must completely trust that He wants what is best for us. We must realize that our pain can hold us back if we don't let it go. Like a cancer it can eat up our dreams, our marriages, our careers, our family and our children. How? By not allowing us to fully live and give all of ourselves. We don't believe in ourselves because of our trust issues. We are unhappy so we make everyone around us unhappy. We are depressed so we call in to work all the time so we can stay home and cry. We are angry so we yell at our kids or family members, especially those that hurt us. I know becaue I did all of this.

I can't blame anyone for where I am in my life. They were just vessels God used to get me to my point of surrender. So that I can awaken out of this dream and move into my life's purpose. I had to learn that I was not the abandoned, rejected and unloved little girl I grew up thinking I was. I am not my circumstance.....I am not my story.......I am not a victim. God says I am an overcomer. I can have a successful marriage and relationship with my parents. I can start a business and live a prosperous life. I can help awaken others to truth and heal nations. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

I can take all the strength God has instilled in me and overcome every adversity. I know who I am and know that what I went through does not determine my destiny. God is in control of my life and that is okay with me.